Friday, August 06, 2004

The Changing of the Season

Over the next week or so updating may be sparse to non-existent. I'll be on vacation, so that's the reason, in case you care. I'll try to post a few updates to let you know how I'm doing, but if I'm having too much fun or I get too lazy, then don't expect crap from me until I get back.

Today is also the last day of work for Kristin at Hiawatha Homes. It seems like it wasn't that long ago that she was just starting and we were getting her all settled in. Now, tonight, we'll pack all of her things back up to move her back to St. Cloud. I'll be taking her back tomorrow so tonight will be a long, and probably somewhat sad, night of packing.

I hate to sound clich├ęd, but there really isn't any other way to express how I feel except to say that time truly does move along too fast, especially in the summer time. There's a feeling of finality attached to moving Kristin back and I just can't shake it. I tell myself I'll be going to visit her during the semester and that there are plenty of days of summer left and that I have vacation coming up, but no matter what I try to tell myself, I still feel like something is dying.

It's not just this summer that I feel this way either. I've always had this underlying feeling of dread and sadness when summer would come to an end. I'm guessing it started back in middle school when I dreaded going back to school. Since I wasn't that popular and was often made fun of, going back to school was something akin to a death sentence for me. During the summer I could avoid all the people I hated while still getting to do things with the few friends I had. My homework was replaced with farm chores, which I enjoyed much, much more than schoolwork.

My summer would fly past as I enjoyed every single day doing whatever my heart desired when I had spare time. I didn't have any real responsibilities or a care in the world for what was going on outside of my little world. With school, though, I would then have responsibilities again and my world would have to encompass other students, teachers, sports, and just getting by in a hostile environment. Who would choose school over the carefree lifestyle of summer break? I sure wouldn't.

As I moved further along, when I was in high school I started to have more responsibilities during the summer and I also became somewhat popular so I liked being in school. Summer break would mean that I didn't get to see people as much as I did during school so you'd think that I would instead start to dread summer break. Oddly, though, I didn't. I was still filled with that sense of depression as summers would come to a close.

While in college I thought I understood why I felt this way. Every time I had to move back to college I knew that another year had passed. I was no longer in the same position as the year before. Instead of simply being happy that I was back in an environment that I loved, I would feel disheartened knowing that I was one more year closer to it all being over.

Right before my senior year of college, as summer came to a close, I was especially filled with sadness. I knew it was my last year of college and I knew that once the year started it would be over before my mind would even register it starting. I was right. I often sit here at my desk, or lie in my bed, or stare off into the sky thinking about how much I miss college and how I know that it probably was one of the most enjoyable times of my life.

So here I am once again, confronted with summer's close. With no worries about going to school again, I'd hoped that I wouldn't feel as sad as years before, but deep down I knew that once again my heart would be heavy with the changing of the season.

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