Thursday, March 03, 2005

Stay and Sleep

At exactly 6:45 am this morning my alarm started to blare, signaling it was time for me to haul myself out of bed and get ready for the day. Every morning is usually the same for during the work week--get up, take my vitamins, brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, then drive to work. I rarely differ from this pattern, and I followed it perfectly this morning, but I knew that right after I woke up something was different.

I felt different, like getting up was a mistake. No, maybe not a mistake, but more of a letdown. When my alarm had woken me up, I was in the middle of a wonderful, beautiful dream. It was one of those dreams that makes a person smile in their sleep and giggle with their eyes closed. Everything was perfect in that dream. Everything was exactly how I would love for it to be. The best part, though, was that I didn't know it was a dream. While I was asleep, my dream was my reality.

By waking up, my perfect world was shattered and destroyed. Almost as quickly as I woke up I started to forget what my dream was about, but even as I started to forget I held the emotions generated by it close to my heart. Coldly and cruelly, however, I came to the realization that I couldn't cling to my dreams--I had to face the day. I had to face the fact that right now I'm living a life that isn't perfect. I'm living a life where I am constantly confused, depressed, lonely, longing, and lost. As much as I want to shape this life into a dream, I can't.

I try to keep my hopes up that everything will always swing the right way, but not everything can go your way. Don't get me wrong, once I shed the protective shell of childhood, I knew that life wouldn't be easy. I've often just went with the flow and let life do as it will because I knew if I tried to shape it too much, I would become too restricted by constantly trying to control things. I didn't want to be a control freak and I never had anything in my life that I really needed to do. I was content with doing whatever came my way.

Over the last year or two, though, I've developed one of the first real needs in my life. At first I thought it was merely a childish wanting for something that I thought would be cool, much like I would want new comic books or the lastest electronic gadget. Unlike those wants, this want, this need, never went away. It's still with me now and I know, well I pray that I know, that what I long for I will eventually have, but that doesn't change the fact that at the moment I crave it so, and with that craving comes many bouts with depression and anger when I cannot have it. Personally, I've always hated the feeling of wanting because I would rather fulfill someone else's needs before my own, but for some reason this is different.

Getting back to the dream that I had. When I was dreaming, I had that sense of fulfillment that all of my wants and needs, especially the one need I have in my life right now, were taken care of. Upon waking up, that sense of fulfillment was snatched away from me and I suddenly became awash in terror and dread and hopelessness. Not really a good way to start off the morning, was it? It's because of this that I often prefer nightmares to good dreams, because upon waking I'll feel relieved instead of depressed.

For once, and I feel weird saying it, I was thankful for the numbing power of writing release notes at work this morning because it helped to wash away how my day started. I still feel that longing, much like I do every day, but when you have things to keep your mind off of it, it's a lot easier to deal.

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