Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Everybody Died Last Week

I've tried to make posts the past couple of days but have been foiled by Blogger a good majority of the time. It turns out that whenever I try to access Blogger using Firefox (v 1.0.2), the server throws out an error and won't let me in. Whenever I use the God forsaken browser of demons, Internet Explorer, it lets me in to my account without so much as a hiccup. Seriously, what gives? I'm about ready to give up on Blogger completely and try to find a different way to post, hopefully one that would be able to take all of my archives and migrate them to a different format.

One of the things I've been trying to post about is the death of Mitch Hedberg. At first I thought it was some type of April Fool's joke, but it turns out he really did pass on to the big comedy club in the sky. He has always been one of my favorite comedians, mostly because of his completely deadpan delivery. He had a crazy-awesome ability that allowed him to take the most trivial of truths and turn it on its head. The best way to really describe him, if you've never had the chance to see or hear his act, would be to classify him as a deadpan, more cynical version of Seinfeld. A version of Seinfeld that doesn't actually suck.

One of the saddest things about his death is that I'll never actually get to see him live. He would come through Minneapolis or St. Paul often enough since he is originally from Minnesota and I've always wanted to make it a point to go see him, but something always came up to keep me away. Makes you realize that you can't put everything off forever. Sometimes you just have to do it, like it or not.

In looking for some information about Mitch's life, I came across his entry in wikiquote. It lists a ton of quality quotes from his various stand up routines. Some of my favorites are below, in case you don't feel like wading through all of them on his wiki page.

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out
of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other
version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it
Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done....who knows? I'll throw a potato in and go on vacation.

I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way,", so I said "Go to hell", and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of cranium accessories."

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall down.

I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus ... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I used to play in a Death Metal band. They either loved us or they hated us...or they thought we were "okay". Most Death Metal bands have dark names like "Obituary"..."Mortuary"..."Rigor Mortis". We weren't that intense. We were just "Injured". And later we changed it to "A Capella" as we were walkin' out of the Pawn Shop.

No comments: