Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Brokencyde - I'm Not a Fan.. But the Kids Like It! Album Review

For what started out as a joke review that I tossed up on Decoy Music simply to fill a content lull, this review was one of our most visited for the year of 2009. I also ended up cross-posting it to (here) and it turned out to be my most heavily favorite'd review that I'd posted.  I guess it goes to show that instead of honest, thought-out, calculated critiques of music people would rather read glib, quickly cobbled together thoughts created solely to get a chuckle or two.  Maybe I should just cash in on that trend and give up on trying to write anything resembling pseudo-intellectual musings... oh, and for reference, this was published back on July 1, 2009.  And in case it isn't obvious by now... this is probably the most immature, stupid, and purposely offensive thing I've put together for this blog... so far. Consider yourself warned.

Let’s be honest right from the start. Brokencyde don’t make music. They make sounds, mush them together with other sounds that have no relation to each other, then scream or talk over the top pretending that they’re somehow creating a new trailblazing form of music. Don't be fooled, it’s not music. In a year’s time people will look back on this group of tools and the whole “crunk” genre and realize it was a terrible, horrendous fad that should simply be forgotten and never revisited. Since anyone older than 15 and possessing an IQ of at least a few points will recognize how much of an abomination Brokencyde is, the rest of this review is geared towards the few people who may be intrigued by this fugly foursome of fuck-up-ery.

In case you are thinking of listening to Brokencyde or (please God no…) buying I’m Not a Fan… But the Kids Like It!, please look over the list of things below. All of these things are better than Brokencyde. Seriously, all of these things are better for you than listening to Brokencyde.

--Brokencyde is worse than dipping your testicles in battery acid while having an appendectomy without anesthesia.

--Brokencyde is worse than being trapped naked in a pine box with 5 rabid ferrets that have not eaten for days.

--Brokencyde is worse than having your anus surgically sown shut then being forced to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Taco Bell.

--Brokencyde is worse than learning you are adopted… then finding out your biological parents are Carrot Top and Roseanne Arnold… then getting shot in the face.

--Brokencyde is worse than being in a straightjacket while you are intravenously injected with Red Bull and Coke (the kind you snort, not the kind you drink) for 24 hours… and then getting thrown in front of a bus.

--Brokencyde is worse than eating cat crap, throwing it up, and re-eating said vomit, but spiced up with some old man diarrhea splatter... then getting thrown under a lawn mower.

--Brokencyde is worse than being tied to a couch forced to watch Battlefield Earth repeatedly while dogs piss on you… and then getting lit on fire.

--Brokencyde is worse than simultaneously contracting every STD currently known to man… then getting trampled to death by an angry rhino a year later.

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