Thursday, October 28, 2004

Pushing the Pause Button

This isn't something that I know for sure that I want to do, but I think it will be the best thing for me right now. As of today, I'm going to take a small hiatus from my writing and journaling at this site. I've been contemplating this for a little while now (as might be evidenced by the utter scarcity of content over the last month). I have many reasons, but the biggest is that right now I don't feel like my life is really in order. My emotions are constantly swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other, seemingly of their own will and I want to focus on getting ironed out what I see as problems in my life. Well, maybe problems is a bad word, but I definitely have issues that I want to take care of.

There are many of these issues, some of which are 100% personal, and some that I really don't care if anyone knows. Part of the reason for taking a break from writing here is that more and more I've only wanted to write about those things that are solely personal and not things that I didn't care if people knew about. I think that was probably the first sign.

Over the last few weeks, probably percolating back even a few months, I've encountered a lot of things in my life that I had either never experienced or hadn't had to deal with for a long time. One of the biggest adjustments I've been trying to make is the change from college life to that of the work world. I know it's been almost a year, but I still am having a hard time adjusting. One facet that keeps rearing its ugly head is the difference in my social life. Right now, I don't really have much of one. The number of close friends I have to turn to right now is pretty darn low. I've also found that some of the close friendships I had in college didn't translate into close friendships outside of it.

I am very thankful for being able to live with my family, however, as they've alleviated some of my anxiety and depression, and at the same time I've grown closer to my parents because of it.

On the other hand, it's become very clear to me that many of my extended family don't give two shits about me or my direct family. There has been a lot of inner turmoil in our extended family and I have finally decided to take a stand and not let certain members walk all over us. It will probably close a lot of ties with that section of my family, but I'm willing to deal with those consequences.

This family strife, along with many other factors, had killed my desire to exercise and really try to stay in shape. Recently, my being out of shape has been another point of stress for me. My personal self esteem has plummeted with lack of fitness. In order to correct this, I want to put forth a very concerted effort to regain my fitness, and even excel beyond the shape I was previously in.

My lack of self esteem hasn't been solely because of my fitness, but also because of my job. From this, you may think I have a bad job, but I really don't. It's not a high stress job, which I'm happy about. I work in a great environment with some really cool people, but I've been criticized that it's a lame job or that I'm not really doing anything with it. I used to shrug it off, but it has made me think. I'm a technical writer and web developer here at Kingland, and I enjoy doing what I do (most of the time), but I've been thinking about the other areas of writing that I might like to explore.

Like I've said before, I've thought about starting an online comic strip to branch out in to a more visual medium and work on some comedic writing. With my love of comic books, I've also thought of attempting to get a script looked at by some publishing companies. For me to do this, however, I need a script to send off. I have been mulling over some ideas and stories, and maybe now would be a good time to explore that path.

Someone very close to me told me that she knew what she needed to do, yet she didn't. She felt a calling to do something, yet she didn't quite know what it was, but she knew it was there. At that time, I didn't really understand. Right now, I still don't completely understand, but I do feel like maybe something is out there that I need to do, yet haven't. The only difference is, I don't feel any such calling. Up until recently, everything for me was simple, uncomplicated, and I knew where everything was going. With some of what's happened in my life over the past few months, I'm feeling lost. I had a path that I knew I was on, but somewhere along the way I got off of it and now I'm not quite sure where I need to go to get back.

Over this time, I have also had a few big decisions that I'd been thinking of making and now I realize that maybe I need to re-evaluate them. Things change and unfortunately I didn't really factor that into my thoughts.

So with all of that said, I will be taking a break from writing here. I'm sure I'll have plenty to say down the line, but right now I want to focus on things in my life personally, instead of bringing them to light here, no matter how wonderful of an outlet this site has been for me. I'll be back in time, and I'm not giving up writing completely (my work IS writing). You can still see an occasional post from me on Sarcasm, Inc. and I'll still be writing up some reviews at Decoy and Behind the Times, but as for personal writings, I just need a little time off. For the few readers that actually come here, thanks for bearing with me.

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