Saturday, June 04, 2005

I Wish...

...that my cell phone would ring longer before it goes right to the voice mail. I end up missing some calls because just as I get to my phone, the caller is already kicked to the voicemail.

...that I could work outside. Being in an office during the best part of the day, from 8 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon, is sometimes quite depressing. How can you not stare out the windows and wish you were out playing in the beautiful weather.

...that I wasn't so fickle about music. No matter how good a cd is, I usually get sick of it after a week or less so I always need to have new music around to listen to. Then when I do get new stuff to listen to, my fickleness leads me to dislike half of it or be completely unimpressed by anything that doesn't initially catch my ear.

...that I was back in college. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling this way.

...that I didn't get hungry when I'm nervous, anxious, worried, or bored because I'm almost ALWAYS one of the three and trying to shed a few pounds these last couple of weeks has been torture and I'm sure attempting to lose a few pounds the next couple of weeks will be just as bad.

...I had more time to just sit and write. That, and when I think about something I want to write about, I wish I'd remember it later on when I actually got to a computer instead of completely blanking.

...there were more hours in the day. Every day I go to bed not having done at least one thing I had wanted to. Be it not reading a comic book I had wanted to, not getting a chance to talk to someone, not exercising as much as I wanted or at all, not getting to play with the kittens, or any other number of things. There's just too much to do every day and often I am simply overwhelmed.

...some things in my life were more stable. Some things that I've previously depended on and counted on are no longer quite how they used to be and it's hard adjusting, and it's hard to contemplate the possibility that some of the foundational pieces of my life may no longer be as big of a part of my life as I want them to be.

...I could just magically transport my family and our farm to the outskirts of Rochester so that I'm close to the city, yet I'll still be at home. If I move, I know I'll be leaving a big part of my life 40 miles away, yet if I stay I'm going to continue to stay isolated from all of the friends I have in Rochester and the events I like to participate in. Lose-lose situations can bite my ass.

...that God would quick screwing around with me while I sleep. I want one night where I'm not either haunted by nightmares, tortured by being able to dream yet not remember them in the morning, left completely awake with no change of falling asleep, or sleeping so hard that I miss out on calls I promised to get. cd burner at work would stop burning flawed cds. It seems like only one in every three burns comes out ok.

...I had more friends.

...I had closer friends.

...for things I can't have.

...that I didn't feel as small, left out, insignificant, and alone as I do.

...I wasn't as needy as I was.

...I was more attractive.

...for one thing, really--the chance to completely open up, let myself and everything that's inside of me out into the open, and to have it not be a burden on those around me.

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