Friday, December 23, 2005

Stop Leaving

The hardest thing about leaving college was leaving almost everyone I had gotten to know and care about to go to where my job took me, which happened to be Rochester.  My friends, acquaintances, athletic teammates, and classmates had to go where they felt their lives took them as well, which for most was NOT Rochester.

Two years later I feel as isolated as ever.  Every month there’s this feeling that I’m falling further and further from the friends I’ve already made and the new friends I’m making I’m never quite as close to.  A good friend moves away one week.  Another gets engaged the next (virtually eliminating any remaining autonomy he/she had).  One then tells me he might be moving away.  Yet another gets a job offer from somewhere else and takes it.

As I lie in bed at night, in the cold of the basement of the house I live, more often than not my mind replay memories on the blank, white slate that is my ceiling.  The memories slowly fade from their HD DVD glory into grainy, used VHS territory, sometimes forever ruining something I thought would last forever.

Think back to a memory you love, one from many years ago. Now try to remember all of the details, every last one of them.  It’s too hard.  Day in and day out I’m creating more and more memories, but at the same time I’m sacrificing the quality and vibrancy of the old.  Without the familiarity of the people from the memories being close and fresh, I start to wonder if, at times, I make up some of my memories because I’ve forgotten what actually happened.

I want the people of my memories to be here with me again.  I don’t want them in Iowa or Virginia or California.  I don’t want them married off into a dungeon of exclusivity.  I don’t want them so caught up in their jobs that they can’t get away.  I want them to be next to me again, refreshing the memories of old, reliving the care free life of college classes, parties, and constant contact.  

The memories are good, but I know they’ll fade.  There’re only so many times you can watch a VHS tape before it wears out.  And with very few quality movies to take the place of the old, I’m afraid of ending up with a very boring movie library.

No comments: