Saturday, September 29, 2007

Dreary Saturday Tops Off a Bleak Week

That'd be the headline if there were a newspaper article written about me and this previous week's activities. It's just been one of those days where things don't quite go right, then they go even more wonky, then other things get thrown into the mix, then your stress level starts to eat at you, then nothing seems to fall your way, and then to top it all off there's that existential yearning underpinning everything and sucking the meaning out of anything you do.

It's harvest time, and every year around harvest time I long for being on the farm, being around the machinery, watching as the fields provide everything they've grown all summer to the farmers who have cared for them. I don't even care if I'm involved in the harvest process, I just like being around it.

When I lived with my parents, I didn't get to do any of the important tasks like driving the combine or running the grain trucks. Instead I usually ended up chopping stalks (which is a process where we take a gigantic lawn mower thing over the corn fields to shred up all the stalks) or plowing. It was pretty boring and I was completely isolated out in the fields that had already been harvested, but I felt like what I was doing was contributing to something bigger. I was participating in bringing food to the world.

My current job (and every job I've had other than working on the farm) has never brought me the same amount of fulfillment. What I do now is more challenging and I don't mind what I do, I simply don't get that same deep-down, intrinsic happiness from it. I don't see how what I do contributes to anything outside of a small function for the company I work for.

I deal with it, though, and once winter sets in this longing again subsides. It's not all that bad dealing with the longing, but when other things start to weigh in on you, that's when it starts to suck. It was a long, stressful week this week at work. Fighting a cold after getting back from vacation, I had a lot of things I needed to get through at work. It was stressful, but I dealt.

Being sick is never fun, but in the middle of this week, I ended up having a migraine that knocked me the hell out on top of already feeling like ass. And don't even get me started about my lame attempts at trying to exercise. It just doesn't work when you're sick, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself you can do it.

And now, this morning, as I tossed in the towel on the week, chalking it up as a loss, I tried to smile and march on. But then I did my morning errand running at Target... and found they didn't have a few of the items I wanted, one of my credit cards didn't work, and it started to pour out as I was leaving. Wonderful. Some days you just can't win.

So now I'm here sitting at a local Caribou Coffee shop, catching up on some work, and hoping that I'm finally out of the woods because I'm getting sick and tired of crap not going my way.

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