Thursday, June 27, 2002

A Perpetual Downward Spiral

I managed to come up with a theory yesterday based upon myself. Here goes. In my opinion, I believe that lack of sleep and irritableness both feed off of each other and reinforce each other. By doing so they lead the person trapped by their effects down into a self-perpetuating descent away from happiness. I suddenly realized this for a couple of reasons yesterday.

To start it all off, for the last couple of weeks or so I have been becoming more and more anti-social and flip with people, especially the people close to me (which I'll talk about later). Some days I would get all worked up about little things and get into petty arguments over stupid stuff all the time. Yesterday kind of took the cake. On my drive home after work Sheryl called me on my cell phone. I really didn't know what I was doing that night and neither did she. I told her I'd get back to her because I wanted to go running and lift weights. If something else came up, she should go do it. For some reason we started arguing about it, for no real reason, I guess. In the middle of our argument, my phone disconnected because it hates me (and the service in the country isn't too grand). This caused my to yell repeatedly at my phone because it was obviously its fault. So that led to me being even more irritable. Sheryl managed to call back. I was already mad to begin with and pissed off at my phone so I proceeded to hop right into arguing mode instead of trying to be rational. Click...disconnected again. At that point my phone almost hit asphalt at 75 mph. She called back and I was really not happy so I just told her I'd talk to her later. I got home and parked in our driveway but as soon as I did my mom told me I had to move it because we were having people over for pictures (she's a professional photographer for those who don't know). There was half a driveway left for them to park in so I didn't understand why I had to move my car. Well, I was not in a good mood so being the jerk that I can be I got in my car, started it back up, moved my car from the driveway, and parked somewhere else. Well, it just happened that the somewhere else was in the middle of our lawn. I guess she figured out I was mad because she didn't say anything.

After that I lifted and ran and worked out all that good 'ol negative energy. I felt a little better. Sheryl then did come over later and we watched a movie. I felt bad for yelling at her and getting into a fight. I hoped she understood that I wasn't being a jerk just for the heck of it. After she left I probably should have went to bed, but I felt bad for being so crappy so I didn't sleep much. This had been happening a lot lately. I'd do something stupid or immature and then I would regret it and not be able to sleep. Since I didn't get much sleep I would be even more grouchy the next day. Repeat cycle ad infinitum. Hmmm....maybe that explains a little, maybe not. So I guess to anyone reading this I'm sorry if I'm a little grumpy sometimes, but I think I'll get over it soon.

Oh yeah, like I said before, I always seem to be the meanest to the ones I care about. I guess it's because I know they'll always be there (which they shouldn't be when I'm a jerk, but that's why I love you guys). It's always harder to be mean to someone you don't know too, because you have no real reason to be mad with them, but if it's someone you know, you can make any little thing into an issue. Sometimes you often read into things more than you should as well. That also leads to many complications. I can definitely say I've read into things way too much lately and made things complicated. Maybe I hate simple things. Whatever the reason, negativity easily leads to more negativity. Someone once told me that back in college (Nikki), but I never believed it. Now I think she might have had a point (but I'll probably never admit it).

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