Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Bigger and Bigger and Bigger

There are times in your life when every little thing seems to swing the other way—nothing you do, no matter how hard you try, can change the fact that the fates have aligned against you. The more things that go wrong, the more your defenses against other things going wrong weaken, exposing you to more harm. Little things start growing and taking on more meaning because all the big things have already went south. It’s when these little things start going awry that you truly lose your sense of control on life. The pile of grievous wrongs done to you by fate, small or large, grows because you don’t take the time to shrug some of the things off of your little hill of hate. Eventually the hill will become a mountain and anything, once tossed on the summit, will break your back. That’s when you hurt the most.

It is quite possible, and usually is the case, that when this time comes you feel too many things all at once—a complete sensory overload. Frustration, rage, angst, remorse, lost hope, regret, and self-loathing all pour from your body. Like the sweat of your pores, emotion flows out of you. As you overflow you could care less for anything else than the appeasement of your own need to break something, to hurt something, to inflict your pain on something else. Only then, when someone else sees your hurt or watches you express your revolt at the universe, can you start to throw things from the mountain.

Many times, however, we are denied that chance of expression which can only lead to a growing of the mountain that has already broken your body. All you see is opportunities to explode, but you can’t do it. It builds even further—to the point where snapping another person in two would not even alleviate your suffering. You lash out, you don’t think, you indulge in pure rashness. Then, only after being broken as you have been, can you let go. Lying crushed, you curl up and cry knowing that there is too much on your shoulders. You’re buried and you don’t have the will to dig yourself out. The tears will flow, your anger will flare, and you will either perish permanently, or you will start to recover. If you’re lucky enough to recover, the mountain will have all but disappeared. You can now start building another one, but this time you hope it will not become an insurmountable behemoth……

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