Sunday, June 13, 2004

I'll Find Out Soon

So tomorrow is the big day. They will supposedly find out what's wrong with me after my MRI and ultrasound. The anticipation is making me extremely anxious and nervous. I keep having worst case scenarios running through my head. What if it's cancer? There are more and more young people being affected with it each year. My grandfather died of it as well as one of my best high school friends. Coupled with my fear of death, finding out I had cancer might well make me go crazy.

I just can't keep from thinking about it all the time. I hope, and I try to reassure myself every time my mind does wander, that it's something simple and curable, but I can't help but think about "what if?". There're so many things I want to do with my life that the horrible thought of something serious being wrong frightens me to the core. I know I'm more than likely just paranoid, but who wouldn't be?

The doctor, after hearing my many different symptoms, wasn't exactly conclusive as to what it could be. It all started about two weeks ago when I started having some sharp shoulder and neck pains that lead to some killer headaches. These headaches would come on only when I would do something active. The doc then told me to quit being active, which I did. Then other things cropped up. I had a good string of days where nothing was wrong, but then I had a sore throat with a headache and vomiting. I'm chalking that up to possibly being sick with some type of flu because Kristin had some type of flu at the same time. The last symptoms have been the oddest. During a couple of days of work I started to get light-headed and a little dizzy. Accompanying that was also some pain & aching in my shoulder/neck. Stemming from that, over the last few days my left arm has been in a constant state of feeling like it just woke up from falling asleep, as well as feeling somewhat weak. I haven't lost any feeling in it or anything, but it's just been feeling odd like that.

I keep wondering if maybe my mind is making up these sensations to play with me and make me freak out, but then I also wonder if they are somehow signs of something more serious than just exertion migraines that the doctor thinks I might have. Maybe I do have some type of serrated artery. Maybe I have a pinched nerve or artery. Maybe I ripped a muscle. Maybe I'm just achy. Maybe it is cancer. Maybe something healed wrong. Maybe I'm just fine. I'll find out tomorrow, and as much as I'm looking forward to having this all figured out, I'm also scared that it could turn out that something awful might be wrong with me.

Heck, I've only really started my adult life. The adjustment to the "real world" is just starting to set in and Kristin is here for the summer to live with me. I've got getting married and having kids of my own to look forward to. I've got grandkids I want to get to know. I want to see how the world takes shape over the next 50 years. I want to overcome my fear of flying and go see the world. I want to get my master's degree. I want to get my own house to live in. I want to take vacations. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to grow religiously. I want to experience so much more of life. How can I not be at least a little scared that all of these ambitions may be taken away or reigned in in some way?

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