Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Do You See Yourself in the Clouds Too?

In an attempt to try something new and possibly help me to lead a calmer and less stress filled life, I have borrowed one of Kristin's meditation books and decided to start trying to meditate each day. Yesterday was my first foray into trying it out. In the past I've set aside time for me to think about things or to simply attempt to be at peace, but I've never tried to meditate.

In the past when I simply sat and contemplated life, the world, death, my actions, and people around me, I could never think about things that somehow didn't involve me in some way. With the meditation routines laid out in the book I'm reading one of the key things is simply forgetting everything around you and focusing on a specific image, concept, or action.

Last night's meditation was an attempt to get me to imagine myself in the light and heat of the sun before becoming completely enveloped by it's healing touch. This, I believe, is an especially hard meditation for those of us living in Minnesota, the state of freezing ass cold. Anyhow, I tried to clear my mind as much as possible and imagine myself in the sunlight.

There was a problem, however. I couldn't imagine myself in the sun while touching the ground. To truly feel the sun, I had to imagine myself up in the clouds with the sun. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but the end of the meditation has you being enveloped by an encircling light emanating from the ground. How was I going to be surrounded by this light if I was stuck in the clouds?

I contemplated this fact a lot on my way to work this morning. What exactly could it mean? I don't think I have any concrete answers to give, but one thing that came to mind is maybe I have a hard time dealing with down to earth subjects. Instead of wanting to be realistic about my life, the situations I experience in life, and my emotions I would rather think of them in an idealistic, perfectly realized way.

This brought me back to thinking about the play Of Mice and Men that I saw this last weekend. The main focus of the play is that of companionship, but playing almost as big of a role is the notion of lying to oneself in order to deal with one's place in this world. George was constantly telling Lenny about the place they were going to eventually have in order to make their current life hold value. They didn't have any money and were constantly hopping from job to job, yet this "head in the clouds" thought motivated them to keep trying, keep pushing.

I often wonder if that is how my life is. Am I only pushing on because I see a wonderful future ahead that may or may not happen, or am I truly happy right now? Questions like this could easily drive someone crazy, but I think this is an essential question to ask. I don't know exactly how to answer it, but I do know that planning for my future and imagining what my future will be like are definitely two motivational factors in my life. I keep hoping that it will get better than right now. I know in my mind that it'll get better, but sometimes my heart drags me down with foolish insecurities and fears (two other things I've learned about myself).

Now, if one meditation can spawn this much deep thinking, I can only imagine what it must be like when in a true, deep meditational trance. I don't know if my paltry human mind could take it and know what it all means.

No comments: