Thursday, August 25, 2005

In the Middle of Lonliness

Right now it feels as if I'm not really a part of this world. Everything around me, everyone around me, it's all just so far away. I'm lying here feeling filled with guilt for hurting people I care about, and for hurting myself. If there's one person that you don't ever want to disappoint, it's yourself. You know why? Because forgiving others is so much easier than forgiving yourself.

We are creatures of emotion and our bodies are ruled by those emotions, even when we wish they weren't. Like right now I can feel my insides churning all around and my heart weighing itself heavily in my chest, and there's nothing I can do to alleviate it. There's no amount of Pepto or Ibuprofen or anything else that can make me feel better, the only thing that can cure what ails me is being able to forgive myself and being able to make things up to those that I've hurt.

I've never felt this way before, never been so disappointed by actions I was capable of doing. This pain must be used as a tool to learn a lesson, a lesson that I wished I hadn't needed to be taught. I'm so alone right now, alone in the agony I created for myself. When there's no one to blame but yourself, there's no way to shift the burden of guilt off of your shoulders.

It's crushing me... slowly, right now it's crushing me. But I deserve it. I just pray that I'll be able to climb back, that I'll be able to forgive myself, that I'll be a better person, and that I'll feel whole again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry everyone for not being as good of a person as I always thought I was. I'm hurting and alone tonight, but I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

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