My Manhood

It's not very often that a man has the need to question how much of a man he really is. We're too busy flaunting how much more of a man we are than any other male in our direct vicinity that we don't need to worry about questioning how much of a man we really are. However, I was recently forced to contemplate my manhood, or lack thereof, with the results proving to be quite depressing.

Last week, I found some Home Depot gift certificates in my wallet that hadn't ever been used. I don't remember where I got them or how much they were for, but when you find gift certificates, you have to use them, right? I knew we needed some caulking for the windows at my house, some hanging hooks, and fuses so I took a visit to the local Home Depot on Friday. When I asked how much was on the gift certificates, the lady helping me told me there was $50 on each of the three cards I had. That's $150 of free spending power at Home Depot I just found! Awesome, right?

Well, it wasn't so awesome when I thought about it. If the gift certificates were to just about any other store, such as Best Buy or Target or Barnes & Noble or Gamestop or Sportmart or whatever, I would have known exactly what I was going to spend the money on. With Home Depot, however, I found myself staring at the rows and rows of home improvement supplies and couldn't think of a damn thing I wanted to buy outside of the caulk, fuses, and hooks I came to pick up.

Home Depot is a man's store and being a man, I should have had a list of a bajillion things already enumerated in my head that I would buy if given the chance. Instead, I found myself strolling up and down aisles wondering if there was anything there I might possibly need. In the end, however, I just bought what I came for and decided I needed to think about what I would use the remaining $125 on.

This experience was quite a blow to my manhood and makes me wonder about what it will be like when I own a house of my own. I hope that by that time I'll have that list of a bajillion things in my mind and will want to make home improvements and renovations. Until then, however, I'll probably just use the gift certificates on house essentials. Pathetic, I know.

Friday Tribute: 3M Command Hooks

People need to hang things. It's just a fact of life. Be it coats, clothes, pictures, swords, or the occasional award, you're going to need to hang something up sometime somewhere. It used to be that you'd hammer a nail into the wall and hang whatever it was you were going to hang on that, but if you ever wanted to move it or take it down, you'd either have a nail stuck in your wall or you'd have a hole from where you took the nail out. It sucked.

Then there were sticky hooks. They were plastic hooks with adhesive on the back that you could stick to the wall. This way you wouldn't be putting holes in the wall and you could get hooks in different shapes and sizes, unlike nails which were pretty much in one style - long and pointy. The problem with the sticky hooks was that if you moved them you either ripped off the paint or wallpaper on the wall or you ended up leaving a bunch of sticky goop on the wall. This was always a pain in the ass to take care of in college because they'd charge you extra at the end of the year if they had to clean any residue off of the walls.

Thankfully, the wonderful people at 3M came up with their Command Strips. These marvelous strips allow you to attach hooks to your walls and then later, remove them simply by tugging on the adhesive strip. As you tug, it stretches away from the hook and the wall, leaving no residue on either. You can then reuse the hook somewhere else with a new Command Strip. Seriously, this is amazing stuff.

The house I now live in doesn't really have any place to hang things anywhere. When the last people who lived here moved out, they stripped the place of anything on the walls and painted everything white. This makes for two problems. First, we needed to put some stuff up on the walls so it didn't look like we were living in some type of insane asylum. Second, since the walls were white and residue or holes is extremely noticeable and I don't know about my roommates, but I want my security deposit back when we leave. Because of this, I think my lucky stars for Command Strip hanging hooks.

3M, today, I pay you my Friday tribute. God bless and God speed.

Bullet for My Valentine

The touring combination of Drop Dead, Gorgeous, Bullets and Octane, and Bullet for My Valentine struck me as somewhat odd because of the different crowds that each band naturally plays to. Drop Dead, Gorgeous are definitely geared towards the modern scene kiddie crowd. Bullets and Octane are a punk infused rock band that plays like it is still 1989, thus attracting the older, rock crowd. Then there’s Bullet for My Valentine who will attract scenesters, but also lend themselves to the radio metal and older metal crowd. With this in mind, the St. Paul stop of the tour at Station 4 was sold out, with each of the aforementioned groups of fans making up a healthy chunk of the crowd.

Opening up the show was Drop Dead, Gorgeous with their brand of scene trendy metalcore. All of the 14 year olds in girl pants and eyeliner were apparently here for this band as they started to jump for joy as six undeniably fashioncore kids took the stage. The kiddies definitely enjoyed their set, but it needs to be noted that the band played extremely sloppy. The only time you could hear any semblance of a song structure was when the band was in the middle of a clichéd, over-the-top breakdown or when everyone stopped playing so the keyboardist could peck out a simple melody. Every song sounded about the same as the last – muddled guitar playing with a simple rhythm section leading into a breakdown for the kids to hardcore dance to. The band was also very uninteresting to watch as they all stood around looking scene, with the occasional movement to and fro on the stage. It was all pretty boring to watch and hear.

Thank the Almighty Spaghetti Monster above that the follow up to a band that should drop dead was the always rocking Bullets and Octane. Every time I see these guys, they’re just as fun as the last, if not more so. With a packed front row crowd of little scenesters, the majority of the people didn’t get into the punk flavored rock and roll of B&O, but there were a few of the older rock crowd that beat down the little kids to get up front and sing a long, which is something you can actually do with a B&O song seeing as their lyrics are understandable. Plowing through about 40 minutes of songs, the band was consistently captivating and jokingly messed around with the crowd on their in between song banter. This band is fun. End of story.

After an abysmally long 45 minute set change break, the headlining Bullet for My Valentine took the stage and ripped right into their set. Because both of the guitarists and the bassist all perform various vocal duties, there weren’t many opportunities for the band members to move away from their respective mic stands, but they still managed to rock the crowd out. It was a sight to see when the hardcore dancing scene kiddies got in the same pit as the older, heavier, heavy metal kids. There was much violence to be had, along with a couple of small fights to behold.

Bullet for My Valentine’s style of 80’s thrash shredding mixed with modern breakdown laden Gothenburg worship actually works quite well in a live environment with songs such as “Hand of Blood” and “4 Words (To Choke Upon)” getting the largest response. The slower songs “Tears Don’t Fall” and “End” actually worked to change the pace of the show up, and give the band a chance to slow the shredfest down. Ending the show with “End” might not have been the best choice in the world, though, but it worked well enough. The band ended up playing a good majority of their release, The Poison, throughout the 50 minutes they were on stage.

Given the diversity of this tour, you’re bound to like at least one of the bands, hopefully one of the last two, or both of them even. It would be nice to see a little more love for Bullets and Octane on some stops as there was not nearly enough at the St. Paul stop. It’s worth the money, people, so get out to see this tour when it rumbles through town.

George Washington... Badass

This has to be the funniest thing I've seen in... well, a really freakin' long time. Go George Washington! And screw those British children.



If the above doesn't play, here's the link to the video.

I Love the Fall, I Hate the Fall

Fall is easily my favorite season of the year. Being a Minnesotan I actually have four fully distinguishable seasons to choose from as my favorite, whereas if you lived in Alaska you have two - ass freezing cold winter and those two brief months of only sorta hypothermia enducing cold. Or if you lived in Texas where you have sweat your balls off roasting summer and then sweat a ball and a half off roasting winter. Here in Minnesota we get a full four seasons - ridiculously cold winters, humid and 90 degree baking summers, squishy cool springs, and dry beautiful falls.

Emphasis should be given to the dry part of fall as it is the only part of the season that I really hate. Oh, and the revoking of daylight savings time. Why don't we just stay on daylight savings all year round? I hate it when I'm done with work at 5 and it is already dark but when I want to be sleeping in the morning it's light out. Is that really the way the world should be? No!

Anyways. Fall. Dry. I hate it. Mostly because my eyeballs have a hard time adjusting to the lack of moisture in the air. Because of this it feels like my eyes are coated in sponges that absorb any moisture in the air or from my constant blinking and shuttle it away somewhere behind my eyes so that the portion that is exposed to the air feels scratchy and dry. I can't count the number of eye drops I put in throughout the day and how often I contemplate punching myself in the nose just to make myself tear up.

The good thing is, my body should be adjusted in a week or two. Until then, however, I have to keep rubbing my eyes and sitting at my desk taking 2 minute re-hydration breaks where I close my eyes and rub them in an attempt to coax some moisture back out of that resivoir behind my eye sockets.

Oh, and I have to use a lot of moisturizer on my face and hands if I want my skin to actually stay attached to my body instead of peeling off in gargantuan amounts. Fall, you're a beautiful season, but why can't you be just a little more humid?

Keith Olbermann with More Words of Wisdom

You know, I don't know what I'd do without Crooks and Liars. They manage to capture all of the news clips that I hear made mention of but that I don't ever end up watching on TV. Thankfully they capture them in all their wonderful glory for me to download onto my computer to watch. Usually, there will also be a transcript so if I'm on the bus or something, I can just read the news clip's transcript on my blackberry.

Anyways, I've mentioned before how much I enjoy Keith Olbermann and his common sense take on the schenanigans of the Republican party. He recently had some poignant commentary on a Republican ad that has been running where the party uses terrorist footage to further their agenda of fear. I find it sick and distasteful that the Republican party endorses such despicable tactics. And what is scariest is that there is a significant cross section of this country's population that buys into these fear tactics. Like I've said to many people, politically 2008 can't get here soon enough.

Beyond the Citadel of Coup de Grace - Touché CD Review

Remember your first real date that you were oh so stoked about? Everything about that night was going to be perfect, and you were going to damn well see that it happened just right. You spent hours checking out how you looked in the mirror, doing your hair just right, putting some of your sister’s makeup on that big zit on your chin, and thinking about the night's events. You knew exactly what you were going to say and knew how she would respond -- laughing at your jokes, smiling at your heartfelt sentiments, and brushing her hair out of her eyes to look into yours. It would be perfect. You had it all planned out in your mind and everything else around you was completely secondary. But then the actual date happens... and everything you imagined would come across so perfect to your date falls flat. Before you know it, everything hits the fan. This date, however, despite how terrible it was, would teach you quite an important lesson -- don’t try too hard. You just need to go with the flow and play to your strengths instead of trying to be something beyond what you are capable of being.

Beyond the Citadel of Coup de Grace, welcome to your first date. Touché may have been the perfect introduction you thought you could give the metalcore world, however, as much as you planned for it to rocket you into the stratosphere of the mature music world, things won’t happen that way on this first date. Metalcore is your thing and you do it well when you’re focusing on it. It’s everything else on this album that is screaming out, “Run away!”

For example, including not only one, but two, tracks of complete silence does not make you seem artsy, but instead creates a reeking smell of pretentiousness around this effort. This is especially the case when one of the silent tracks is over 12 minutes long and followed by what, I hope, is a joke track. These two silent intermissions, coupled with four other interludes that consist of minimalist ambience, now scream out to the listener, “We are so artsy and so hip and so much better than every other metalcore band because we have a keyboard and interludes that you can't help but love us!” Unfortunately, this doesn't keep a listener listening, it shuns them.

Now if you are to focus on the few actual songs that are here, you’ll find a pretty decent metalcore version of Chiodos mixed with a little modern Gothenburg riffing a la As I Lay Dying. However, this strength is rarely played to with the main focus instead wasted on trying to be "kewl".

Let’s not even talk about the last two “songs” in which one consists only of the singing of “We are Beyond the Citadel of Coup de Grace!” and the other being some terribly bad whiteboy, cheese-filled rapping. Guys, this would just embarrass you to tears if you knew how bad it really made you look.

So after all of this is taken into account, it leaves the listener with about four-ish songs to actually listen to in between interludes. These songs, as mentioned before, are very promising metalcore tracks, but when the listener spends the majority of the CD wading through blank space and meandering ambience, you can’t fault them for leaving Touché sitting on the shelves. The good thing for you, however, is that this is only the first date. Learn from it and your next date might not be such a disaster.

Movie Time

Here comes another one to add to the thread.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (7.5/10): I think I might have enjoyed this film even more than I already did if I were on some sort of mind altering drug. The imagery, the dialogue, and the scenes were all wonderfully drug induced, but the plot... well, was there really one? If it wasn't for Benicio Del Toro and Johnny Depp being as phenomenal as they were, I don't think this would have been that interesting of a movie. Yes, it gives a wonderful glimpse into Hunter S. Thompson's drug filled life, but beyond that there isn't much to take away from it. Still, a great flick to watch at least once.

Silliness

I mail a lot of packages. Let's get that out there right off the bat. Being an active book trader, barterbee user, and yahoo auction seller, I have to mail a lot of stuff. Needless to say, I make a trip to the downtown Minneapolis post office in the Roanoake Building at least weekly. Most of the time I have the same clerk, but last week I had someone that must have been filling in, and in attempting to do her job, showed her complete lack of metal faculties.

Just as usual, after all of my packages get marked up and have appropriate postage assigned, the clerk tells me my total for the eight packages I brought in. Again, like usual, I hand over my debit card (I don't carry hardly any cash and don't usually keep my checkbook with me). She turns it over to the back and tells me she can't accept it.

"Why not?"

"It says 'See ID' on the signature strip. You're supposed to sign there."

"Don't you just check my ID? That's what every other place I go to does."

She looks at me with a you're-crap-outta-luck look and tells me, "I'm sorry sir, we only can accept cards that are signed. It's a security measure."

"Excuse me, miss, think about it for a second. Checking my ID to make sure it matches my card is actually an added security check. That way, I couldn't have stolen someone's card and either done my best to copy their signature or, if it was a fresh card, signed the name in my handwriting so it matches. If I was a thief I would have had to not only have stolen the debit card, but stolen the ID as well."

She still has that vacant that's-too-many-words-for-my-small-brain-to-understand look on her face as she tells me, "Sorry, I just can't do it. Do you have another card?"

"Yes, that I do, but guess what? They all have 'See ID' on them."

"You can pay with cash or check as well."

"I don't have enough cash and don't have my check book."

"You know, you can just sign the card so that way I can take it."

"Wait one second. If I sign the card, right here in front of you, then you'll take it? That's ludicrous."

I don't think she understood and voiced as much, "What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it. If I sign the card now, however I sign the name on the card is obviously going to match how I sign the receipt."

"But if the card is signed I can take it." Her brain must have been getting close to exploding from the sheer amount of common sense I was throwing her way.

"Ok, let me have your pen."

She gives me her pen and after I rub off the 'See ID' that was on the signature strip, I sign my name and hand her the card. She runs it through and hands me the receipt to sign. I do so and hand it back to her.

"Can I see your ID?"

"What for?"

"I need to check it against your debit card."

"No, you don't. It's signed. You don't need to check my ID. Remember how I told you that's why I put 'See ID' on there in the first place? To make you check it against my ID? As an added security measure?"

"I need to check your ID sir."

I glance over at the other cashier and ask her, "Miss, do I need to have my ID checked if my debit card is signed and the signatures match?"

She looks back, grins a little because she's been listening in, and tells me, "No, we don't check IDs if the card is signed."

I glare at the woman who is making my morning a living hell, "Can I have my card now?"

"Ok, here you go."

In a final moment of frustration I have to let something out, "Do you realize the lunacy of what just happened? If this card was stolen I would have just successfully gotten around your 'security measures' and ripped whoever I stole this off from for $20. Policies only work if they're enforced in a way that makes sense. I might have stolen this card and gotten away with it thanks to you. Think about it. You might have just helped me rip someone off. This could very well be a stolen card. You know what, I think I remember now that it was. Huh. And I got away with it. That's great. You made my day. Thank you!"

I don't think her brain could digest the irony of the situation so I left in a huff. The woman cashier next to her was chuckling to herself as I headed out, however, so at least I know there was one competent person working that day.

How Serious Does It Need to Get?

I usually try to avoid talking about politics within the confines of what I write here as it seems to only polarize people (left or right) and lead to name calling and closed-minded blathering. People nowadays have their minds made up and rarely openly think about what is so ingrained into their ideologies that it is worthless to think that I can convince anyone of anything by what I write.

That being said, with the signing in of the Military Commissions Act of 2006 to law, I felt compelled to say at least a little something. I have been far from happy with the Bush administration over the last 6 years, as have many people. I've grimaced as the administration has done stupid thing after stupid thing, praying that 2008 would get here as fast as possible. I've tried to be supportive of the soldiers caught up in a senseless occupation overseas. I've tried to bear with our government and the constant scandals. It's been tough, but that's part of the game. The majority spoke and wanted this. However, the line has to be drawn somewhere and giving the government the ability to suspend Habeas Corpus and selectively ignore the articles of the Geneva Convention goes to far.

I do not understand how we got to this point as a nation. Is the average American really that unaware of what is going on politically? Obviously the answer has to be yes, and that answer rings resoundingly throughout our nation as more people care about what happens on the latest episode of Deal or No Deal instead of how our rights are continually being stripped away from us.
One of the few people I actually look up to in the political realm, Keith Olbermann, has said in a beautiful, haunting, and almost poetical nature here what this nation should be feeling. Instead, there is a collective shrug of apathy. What does this country need to happen before we start to care again? A war on our soil? A military state? Another invasion? It seems like no matter how despicable or evil an atrocity is performed, it is resoundingly responded to with silence.

What is more disheartening, the fact that such things as the suspending of Habeas Corpus are allowed to now happen or the sheer amount of apathy put forth by the citizens of this nation? It's a tough call.